3 Things Not to Say After Someone Loses Their Dog
When giving condolences to someone whose lost a pet I try to keep it simple. But that wasn’t always the case, I used to be a bumbling idiot.
In my nervousness I’d over compensate and say a lot of stupid things. And it wasn’t until I was on the receiving end that I realized just how horrible some of things I’d said really were.
There isn’t one magical thing you can say that to alleviate someone’s grief, but there are plenty of things you can say that make it worse. Here’s 3 things not to say after someone loses their dog (and things you can say instead).
Don’t Ask “Are You Getting Another Dog?”
When you ask ‘are you getting another dog?’ to someone whose just lost theirs it makes it sound like they’re replaceable. That they can just go out and buy another puppy and things will be hunky dory.
But pets aren’t replaceable. When you love and care for an animal you can’t just swap one for another. There’s a deep bond and connection that develops, and it takes time to heal.
For many of us the grief we feel after losing a dog can be just as strong as it is for the loss of a family member or friend. And you wouldn’t tell someone to just go out and replace either of those. Suggesting that we go out and get another dog undermines our grief, and makes it seem as if ‘getting over it’ should be simple. Everyone grieves differently.
Although there’s growing acceptance of the fact that the grief we feel for pets can be traumatic, it’s still not something we acknowledge widely. Don’t make the person feel worse by suggesting that they can replace their pet and move on. Grief doesn’t work that way.
Rather than asking ‘when are you getting another dog,’ just offer your condolences. Tell them that you’re sorry for their loss, and that you’re there for them if they need anything.
Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim. – Vicki Harrison
Don’t ask someone whose lost a dog ‘so when are you getting another one?’ Dogs aren’t replaceable, and your question undermines their grief and makes it seem as if it should be simple to just ‘get over.’
Don’t Push For Details
Don’t be offended or surprised if someone doesn’t want to share all the details regarding the loss of their pet. Some people aren’t comfortable discussing private matters with everyone, and that’s especially true in public places.
When I came back to work after losing my dog Carter the act of keeping myself from breaking down every two seconds was exhausting. Every time I started to concentrate on my actual work someone would come up and ask ‘oh my gosh, I’m so sorry – what happened?’
There’s no easy way to answer that. And every time someone asked me that I’d lose it all over again. I didn’t want to be rude by not saying anything, but there wasn’t much I could say that wouldn’t turn me into a sobbing mess.
Don’t make it hard on the grieving person by asking a question that they might not be comfortable answering. Having to say ‘my dog died’ or ‘Carter is gone’ was excruciating. And I couldn’t even imagine what sort of a mess I’d be if I went into the actual details.
Don’t pry for information. Give them a chance to come to you if they want to talk about it.
Don’t just ask ‘oh my gosh what happened?’ That puts them in an awkward position of having to answer. Give your condolences, but make sure you end it in a way that only obligates them to say ‘thank you.’ Let them know you’re there if they need anything. If they need to talk let them come to you.
There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief. – Aeschylus
Some people will have a hard time keeping it together when dealing with grief. Don’t try to force a conversation they might not be comfortable having by prying for details. Let them know you’re there for them, and that they you’re available if they want to talk.
Don’t Second Guess Their Decision
If someone has just lost their dog please don’t say things like ‘When my dog was sick we gave him (insert random drug, herb or therapy here), and he lived another 3 years.’ Although you mean well those sorts of comments undermine the person whose grieving, and it makes it sound as if their dog would still be around if only they’d made the ‘right’ choices.
Unsolicited advice can be hard enough to handle on it’s own, but to bring it up after someone has lost their pet is just cruel.
There’s a lot of decisions that go into end of life care, and there’s not one ‘right way’ to deal with them all. People have to make tough choices, and while some may seem seem obvious to you, remember that you weren’t there. You don’t know about all the ‘what if’s’ and quality of life issues that were raised.
Those choices are never easy, but as pet owners they’re ours to make alone. Details about treatment, unless freely discussed, should be left between the owner and their veterinarian.
Instead of offering your opinion, just offer your support. Tell them that you’re sorry, and that you’re there for them if they need anything. If you’ve been through something similar find some common ground doesn’t come off as being judgmental.
If their dog had cancer there’s nothing wrong with adding a simple ‘F cancer’ sentiment to your condolences. Because seriously – F cancer. There’s not a single good thing about it.
Grief doesn’t have a plot. It isn’t smooth. There is no beginning and middle and end. – Ann Hood
Although you may have gone through a similar experience ask yourself ‘how will this make them feel?’ before comparing your situation to theirs. Offer your support, not your opinion. Give them the right to grieve without turning it into a competition.
What to Say to Someone Whose Lost a Pet
If you want to offer your support to someone whose lost their pet and aren’t sure what to say keep it simple. Don’t get nervous and say something you’ll regret. Tell them that you’re sorry, give them your condolences, and let them know you’re there for them.
Keep in mind these tips are for giving condolences to a coworker or acquaintance, in other someone you’re not very close with. For something more personal you can buy a sympathy card, send flowers, plant a tree in their pet’s honor, or make a donation to an animal organization in their pet’s name.
This is SUCH good advice. Since I truly believe most people don’t mean to be unfeeling or come off like jerks, to avoid inadvertently putting our feet in our own mouths it’s probably helpful to practice these responses before we’re actually in a position to be caught off guard. A simple “I’m so sorry that happened” is often enough to help someone who’s grieving. And giving the person plenty of time and space is important too… it’s been almost 2 years since losing Jasper, and I still can’t talk about it without tearing up. Unfortunately, time doesn’t always heal all wounds. 🙁
Agreed. I know I’ve said quite a few stupid things to people out of nervousness, and oh how I wish I could go back in time and just offer a simple “I’m so sorry” instead.
It’s not easy to talk about (no matter how many years it’s been), and it’s unfortunate that there’s still sort of this ‘it’s just a dog’ attitude surrounding it. I know it’s getting better, but it’s a horrible experience to go through, and knowing that people don’t understand how deep that grief is can make it feel so much worse.
I think grief is a very uncomfortable emotion, and as such it makes it hard for people to talk about it. I always want to say something helpful or comforting but sometimes there are just no words for that.
And it’s key to remember that everyone grieves differently than everyone else. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
You always have great topics that make people think. Thank you.+
Thanks for the advice, the article is very useful. It is not an easy topic
This is good advice for everyone. Nobody wants or intends to say the wrong thing, but it does happen. This hits home for me, because my pet was just diagnosed with mammary cancer. However, she is not a dog. She is a cat, and while i know this is about the death of a dog, i feel this advice is for any species of pet. I am dreading the day. She is acting normal right now. She eats, sleeps, and other than a tumor on her belly, she is for all intense and purposes normal. The vet offers a 10% survival is they remove the tumor. They cannot guarantee they will get it all. I have chosen not to put her through that kind of trauma for 10% odds. I have chosen to go herbal.
I know deep down there will come a day where she won’t be acting normal. When the vet told us the diagnosis i broke down. I couldn’t stop. Just the thought of losing her felt like a piece of my soul was being ripped away from me. It took me a couple of days before i could hold my emotions stable in order to talk about it. Right now, i am just enjoying the time i have with her. The vet gave her 6 months, but i have chosen to treat her with a cancer support herbal system. Doctors have been wrong. Actually, they are going on assumption. 87% of these tumors are cancer, which means 13% is benign. They cannot confirm it’s cancer unless they remove it. So. $1,200 to confirm. I don’t know why they can’t biopsy the mass, but they say remove all mammary glands and mass before they can say for sure.
When that day i dread comes to pass, and i am the one who is being greeted with the usual condolences, i will remember what was written here. If i find myself in front of a person who doesn’t quite seem to know what to say, i will remember this person means well. Perhaps they are uncomfortable in dealing with such situations. I will release them from their nervousness, and simply thank them and let them move on. It will the the best for the both of us.
Thank you so much for your kind reply. I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now. Giving condolences is something I’m still uncomfortable and nervous with, I don’t know if it’s something I’ll ever get ‘used to’ or something that will feel ‘normal.’ I know when I grieve my whole world stops and everything feels different, so trying to figure out the ‘right’ thing to say seems impossible. Again I’m sorry about your cat, I can’t even imagine the amount of stress you’re going through.
Jen, thank you for sharing this article. Losing a dog is very hard, and the conversations that follows are also difficult. Some people may not realize how important pets are. Great advice, thanks for sharing!
It’s so hard for me in this situation. I don’t know what to say so I just leave them alone 🙁 I don’t want to say something wrong. Thank you for the advice.
I still struggle with it. It’s never easy, and it’s so hard to come up with something that feels ‘right’ to say.
It is not an easy topic, I understand. Last year, 22/10 exactly. I didn’t see him anymore after travelling with my husband. He is the dog I love most. I wept my heart out. I’m still waiting for him to come back.
Hi,
We lost one of our precious dogs in February and I can deeply relate to all of these. Coping with people’s reactions has been the hardest. We are welcoming a new dog into the family next week and upon finding this out one of the neighbors said: “Instead of that other one?” I know she didn’t mean it in a bad way but I wish I could explain to people dogs are not replaceable like that.
Thank you for writing this post. I will put it in a queue to be shared on my Facebook page! <3
Love,
Luna
Thanks so much. ‘Instead of that other one’ is a horrible thing to say. And you’re absolutely right about people not meaning to make it sound so bad, which helps a little, but it doesn’t take away the sting of hearing things like that.
This advice is beyond brilliant. I’ve lost so many pets in the past couple of years that it gets hard. When people continuously ask you how or the details. Or even why you chose the options you did. It gets harder when people say those things or ask about it. A simple “I’m very sorry for your loss” will usually suffice. Thank you!
Thank you. Being asked all the details is tough, and just trying to mutter “I’m sorry I don’t want to talk about this right now” was impossible for me to say without breaking down again. It almost makes you feel as if you’re being withholding, and that the questions that are being asked of you are no big deal. Not a pleasant experience.
I was once talking to someone about having euthanized my baby boy….I was wondering if he knew what was going to happened.
She said “He knew what you were going to do!”…..OMG….like…did you just say that. I don’t know…maybe she meant something else…but I took it as “He knew you were going to put him down”….how in the world do you think that made me feel??
He knew….and the part where she said WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO DO…a reminder that I MYSELF made the decision….I don’t need reminders….I will NEVER forget!!
She texted a few weeks later and asked how I was. Ughhh better when I don’t hear comments like yours!
It just sounded so bad “He knew I was gonna end his life”…..ouch!!!! I hope he didn’t know…or if he did I hope he knew it was done out of pure love….so he wouldn’t suffer anymore! A little over 3 months and I still cry out loud some days. : (
I can’t believe anyone would say that… Not only is it completely rude it’s completely nonsensical. I don’t know what’s wrong with some people. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry that someone said something that ridiculous to you.
im far from my family and i recently lost my dog
Im in iran …that means no one understands how hard it can be to lose your dog
He was a family not just a dog
I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry that you feel like you’re alone in your grief. I get so many comments from people saying they feel alone; I know it won’t make you feel any better, but I want you to know you’re not alone when it comes to feeling this way after losing a dog. Again I’m so sorry for your loss.
Most of my friends are Dog Lovers so i wasn’t offended when they have reached me out what happened to my Bella last few months ago. they even helped me how to process my dog that went through euthanasia. it may be painful but thanks to them they are very supportive. and now i am opening my arms for them whenever they have the same fate as mine.
From my experience, a hug, and the words “I am so sorry” meant the world to me.
The so called friend who wanted to tell all about her dog’s death, stunned me. It was all about her! I put up my hand and said “ not Now”. I just couldn’t listen.
I just had to have my chihuahua put to sleep! I had her for over 16 years! I can’t quit crying! Thanks for all the comments here! Does anyone know if dogs go to Heaven?
I am in a position where my cat is anemic and very weak. She is suffering and it is time to day good-bye. I am in a state of despair
. When I told my best friend she suggested I get a kitten .Maybe she meant well but her absolute stupidity and insensitivity makes me wonder if she ever really was a friend who understood me.
Thanks for the advice, the article is very useful.